It was possible for me to move my key personal things out of my old home, given time - the things that pull me toward my future. All the rest of the stuff, the leftovers of the past, are very hard to deal with alone there. Old ghosts, distraction and emotion take rein. Perhaps my definition of that home was it was a shared project, but then my partner left. I suppose it probably felt similarly painful for Kathryn in her last days, after I'd recognized my total exhaustion and decided it wasn't healthy for me to share space with her illnesses there any more. Her words: "It's all too much... all this is yours now... I love you... this isn't your fault... goodbye".
What can I do? Just move forward in life. I've redefined everything, and in order to not overwhelm myself with it all at once, it's taken my time to start new life projects things one at a time. I'm delighted with my successes so far, but It sure is dragging on.
I have learned I have to ask for help to resolve stuck tasks. I have been setting up plans with some friends who will help me pack and, hopefully, load a truck with the last of my personal stuff, and the rest of the stuff which will go to various charities (I'm still open to more help!). For the list of 20-some odd repair and cleanup items, I have hired a general contractor I've worked with before who's an expert in repair houses for resale. Where necessary I've hired them to kick *my* butt when I stall on things, and find help for me where I need extra arms and legs that don't have an emotional attachment to the place. The timing is driven by *my* needs, and I know my savings will run out if I dally longer... and the house will show best in Spring through Fall, though there's no sign of real improvement in the housing market. So, there's no time like the present.
Where has the time gone? I was in Colton for something like 9 years? I reflect on the friendships which formed but went mostly undeveloped there... the spark will remain alive, but the opportunity will be less. So much of my time was dominated by focus on making my work effective, and relationship to function as well as it could, and maintenance and improvement of the physical home - I am proud of what I did there, even if others felt disappointment - I could care less - I know I did well. I showed up in two Colton Corner articles in the Molalla Pioneer newspaper, on emergency communication amateur radio and my home weather station. Still, it's part of my grief of moving, that community and friendship opportunities so often did not make it above the priority cut line.
It's good that there is so much that I'd love to be able to do. It's the nature of this life there is rarely adequate time to do it in. I have been blessed with so much opportunity in this life. Still, what's left undone is always so much more than what is accomplished. It would seem that is just the nature of things and finding acceptance, celebrating what *has* been accomplished, is key.
The peace of a Spring morning, dew on the grass, trees framing sunrise casting its orange beams on the forests on Goat and Green mountains, imagining the waterfalls on Milk Creek, the chirping birds, hummingbirds at the feeder, pear blossoms opening, a deer munching on the grass, warm comfort of home, soft carpet underfoot, coffeemaker sighing, omelet sizzling, a good day for a bike ride up and down the hills, familiar voices on the radio repeaters. I had a good time there. I loved. I was loved. I was in love with the flow of our planet. I will take a memory of Colton's forests, streams, creatures, farms, canyons and ridges with me in my heart.